This is a parody article.
So I’ve got some bad news. Now if you’ve read my article last week on how to play blue, we’re really reaching into the deep polar opposite with this one.
I want to begin this post by saying that you mono-red players are the stars of every other constructed format. And that is for good reason. Red players don’t typically have functioning eyes. What I mean by that is they literally have a single purpose in life and one goal: make everyone’s life total go to zero (even themselves most of the time). Commander’s raw design of doubling everyone’s base life total and adding two more players to the mix have made the traditional mono-red go-face strategy much harder by sextupling the amount of damage needed.
The general mindset of a mono-red player lies with their functional idea of life and time itself. While the blue player may take five minutes to decide to play an island, the typical red player’s turn lasts about a microsecond between the playing of a mountain and swinging their single creature with haste. The red player does not complain. The red player does not care. The red player recognizes that they must kill and swing face. That is their sole goal in life.
Red players realize they are on a clock. They don’t have infinite time. Their resources are limited, but as a blessing from the heavens, their impacts are the most immediately felt. Red players are more than happy to send their crashing army straight into a pit of hell if it means it deals a single damage to their opponents’ life totals. It’s not just about the number dealt, it’s about sending a message.
The flames are hot and the iron is running. But within a moment’s notice, the light shall fade, and soon the cold will arrive in the evening.
That is the mantra of the mono-red. You hit hard and fast, and repercussions are for everybody else. When your life is fleeting, the most important thing you can ever do is leave a lasting impact and show that you at least existed.
Your creatures are low to the floor, but they get the job done. Each and everyone knows it is their sacred duty to fly face first into an opponent and then get eaten alive by every other creature in the game during the second bout. If the game goes past turn five, you’ve probably fell into obsolescence. And it’s not your fault. Red is all about speed and that always comes at a cost.
You’re the colour of destruction and if you can’t have it, they can’t have it either. Outside of your sacrificial creatures, you’re looking to deny others of their things, but, as we all know in Commander, removal is only a delay for the inevitable.
You try to spin the wheel for more advantage, but it also comes with the downside of helping out some of your opponents instead.
You try to punish everyone (mainly yourself), but given the high life totals of everyone, this just feels more like self-torment.
You risk it all, you dump your hand, you do anything just to speed up your turns just for that one singular bright moment before your star fades. Being hellbent is a natural part of the mono-red experience. All around you, you look, and see people playing your cards. But they aren’t you. They’re all just using you. They mix your colours with others, abusing your speed and pretending that you are the same. They don’t have that fear of death. They look forward to the upcoming sunrise.
Players will remind you that you have access to these powerful cards above, but everyone knows these aren’t really for mono-red.
But you just wait. You bide your precious time. Everyone else is at the table fighting and debating on what to do. While they’ve been mocking you for slamming your monkeys and goblins at their faces and burning out of resources, you know you just need a single spell. Secretly, while the race has been going on, you took on the lead in the beginning, and the others have overtaken you, but you’re not out of the race just yet.
You smirk. Your opponents have been busy ignoring you after you spent your first few turns dealing half of all their life totals. You do the count in your head. While they’ve kept you alive out of pity, you’ve seen their life totals dwindle lower and lower.
Your eyes light up. The turn passes to you and just as you enter the main phase, it is then that the other three finally realize what is going on. Sure, you’ll also be consumed by the flames, but that’s just the way you like it. Even as you descend into the cold of defeat, you get to embrace the flames just one more time, the warm familiar feeling, and you comfort yourself knowing that you won’t be going to hell alone.