This is a parody article.
I’ll be blunt. If you’re playing green, you’re probably a tax fraud committing criminal. Green players are among the most chill yet also the most likely to commit white collar crimes at the same time.
Listen, you only get a single pass because people genuinely hate blue more. Blue is the colour of moral degradation while green is truly the colour of economic inequality. Sure, blue may commit true crimes that align with true evil, but green is not much better. The moment you drop that you drop that forest on the table, you’re more that ready to start speaking about socioeconomic theories.
Everyone knows green. Green is pure capitalism. Green is corporate greed. Green is wealth inequality. And there’s nothing that embodies that so much more than what green does best. You are also supposedly the passive player. You play the exact same suite of cards every single game in the same exact order. Also, you just seem to always draw them exactly on curve.
Everyone is secretly plotting to murder you, but you chill, knowing that they can’t do a thing. Because, really, who’s going to purposely waste a spell to stop you from making the dough. You act like you’re a layman, one of the common people. You go to work, you do your job, you make your bank, and you go home to repeat the cycle again and again. All these spells above are just your normal average duty.
While everyone is slowly accumulating their mana resources, you’re just steaming ahead. They look at you with disdain but you give them a quick smirk telling them they should have worked harder like you had. All of the sudden, all these cards above just somehow ended up on your board. And you casted all of them by turn three or four somehow with like nine lands in play or some nonsense. You look at everyone else and go “oops” as if this was some kind of lucky coincidence.
Listen, you’re a literal monster. You’re basically the CEO of a corrupt company that’s only chasing profits quarter after quarter with no care for any ethics whatsoever. You operate like a mob boss because that’s really who you are. You pretend to be like the masses, but you know that you aren’t them. Filthy peasants playing on curve. And you argue that green is just unfortunate and has its own weaknesses like lack of card draw or recursion.
If anyone even dares look your way, you already have the solution. While other colours struggle to maintain board or need sneaky ways to get their damage through, you know the ways around combat. And all of it involves breaking kneecaps. Similarly, that’s also your win con. You just smash face and do it even better than red does. To put it simply, you give an offer to all your other friends at the pod: either lose all their little value creatures or be sent straight to heaven with both being the most real end result.
In the early game, what do you do besides making bank, you send you cronies out to harvest some dough for you on the side. You look at your opponents and ask if they really want to waste an important removal spell on your cheap dorks knowing that its a win-win if they do or don’t.
The CRA comes after you due to tax evasion? You’d pay. You’ve got plenty of bank to go around. You’ve got so much in reserve that most of the time, you can even pay for everyone else if you wanted to. Taxes are a joke.
There’s nothing more that you enjoy than a classic walk at the local park alone and surrounded by nature’s beasts and flora. As such, you’ll destroy any artificial structure or disturbance of natural elements without even a blink. You hate on anything that isn’t creature based because those upset the natural rhythm of the world. As you see it, the rich rule and everyone else lives in your shadow.
In the ideal world, power defines everything. Power makes right. The weak don’t deserve a voice. Therefore, since you own all the resources, you own the land itself, you dictate how the game is played. Everyone lives in fear of you as they should.
And what else can I say, just like in real life, the rules are rigged. The rich get richer and rewarded for doing so. You say that this is one of the most fair mechanics, granted that they are just payoffs for you doing your daily grind. The value comes from deep within, hard-earned and not from that of a silver spoon in your mouth.
That’s it. You’re messed up. You’re green. You are literally capitalism. You just make more and more resources out of thin air and everyone else suffers as a result, but that’s their fault, not yours. Maybe they should just get better at the game.